In these verses Holofernes arranges his forces for battle. This is the order in the Greek:
Holofernes orders the army to break camp,
move against Bethulia,
seize the mountain passes,
and make war on the Israelites.
The soldiers break camp and move.
The numerical strength of the force is described.
The soldiers camp in the valley near Bethulia.
The army spreads out over a wide front.

Good News Translation combines verses 1 and 2 so as to get the numbers of the soldiers out of the way before beginning the narrative. This brings Holofernes’ orders and the execution of the orders together in the narrative, but it does force the addition of the idea of Holofernes gathering his army, which is not mentioned in the Greek text. One would assume from the narrative so far that the army was already gathered, but some action is necessary to begin the story of the siege; starting off with the numbers of soldiers involved would be a poor beginning. The original order (Revised Standard Version, Contemporary English Version) actually works well. The numbers involved are told while the army is on the march, giving the impression of a strong army on the move. Compare a similar device in Gen 46. There the aged Jacob prepares to move with his whole family down to Egypt. In verses 5-7 they leave; in verse 28 they arrive. In between (verses 8-27) is a long list of individuals. Because the list is placed at the narrative time of the journey, it creates the impression of a large company on the move.

Ordered his whole army, and all the allies who had joined him may be rendered “commanded all his soldiers along with those from the other nations” or “commanded all his soldiers along with those who had come to fight the Israelites with him.” The clause who had joined him is redundant after allies. Allies are by definition forces who are joined in a common cause. Good News Translation, with “his allied forces,” leaves nothing out.

To break camp means “to take down their tents and leave” or simply “to leave there.”

Move against Bethulia may be translated “march toward the town of Bethulia” (Contemporary English Version).

Seize the passes up into the hill country: For passes see 4.7; for hill country see 2.22.

The clause So all their warriors moved their camp that day is translated well by New American Bible: “That same day all their fighting men went into action.” Contemporary English Version expresses it more simply: “So they marched out.” Their warriors refers to all the enemy soldiers.

For infantry see 1.4; for cavalry see 1.13.

Together with the baggage and the foot soldiers handling it: The Greek word translated baggage refers to all the military supplies and provisions that had to accompany an army on the march. Good News Translation expresses it well with “equipment.” The text does not actually call the men handling it foot soldiers, but simply “men on foot.” It is probably not altogether wrong to call them soldiers, but Good News Translation‘s “support troops who took care of the equipment” is better, as long as “took care of” is understood as “in charge of” and not “seeing to the needs of.”

A very great multitude in Greek is a summation of the preceding statistics. Good News Translation moves it forward as a preface to the numbers: “It was an immense army” (similarly Contemporary English Version). Another way to say this is “There was a huge number of soldiers.”

They encamped may be rendered “They set up [or, erected] their tents.”

For spring see 6.11.

They spread out in breadth …: For Dothan and Esdraelon see 3.9. The geography of verse 3 is necessarily vague since Balbaim and Cyamon are unknown. It is widely assumed that Balbaim is the same unknown site referred to as “Belmain” in 4.4 and “Balamon” in 8.3. Cyamon may be the same town as Jokmeam of 1 Kgs 4.12, just east of Mount Carmel. The real point here is to impress the reader that Holofernes’ massive army has been deployed over a very wide area. An alternative way to express this final sentence is:

• Their tents occupied an area so wide it stretched from the town of Dothan to the town of Balbaim, and so long that it reached from the town of Bethulia to the town of Cyamon, which faces Jezreel Valley.

An alternative translation model for verses 1-3a is the following:

• The next day, Holofernes ordered all his own soldiers and all those from the other nations who were helping him to take down their tents and march toward the town of Bethulia. He commanded them to seize all the paths through the mountains, and then to attack the Israelites. There was a huge number of soldiers—one hundred and seventy thousand foot soldiers, and twelve thousand soldiers riding horses. This did not include all the soldiers who carried the supplies [or, equipment]. So all these soldiers moved out and set up their tents beside the spring in the valley near Bethulia….

Quoted with permission from Bullard, Roger A. and Hatton, Howard A. A Handbook on Judith. (UBS Helps for Translators). New York: UBS, 2001. For this and other handbooks for translators see here.