When evening came: Good News Translation‘s “Finally” signals to the reader that the climax is approaching. This is legitimate, although it corresponds to nothing in Greek. “When it got [became] late” or “Late that night” is better than When evening came in the context of the narrative. We are told in 12.9 that Judith would eat her meal “toward evening.” There the Greek uses a different noun. This dinner must have lasted well into the night since Judith makes her escape at a time she would be expected by the Assyrian guards in the valley (13.10), as was discussed at 12.5.
His slaves quickly withdrew: The slaves are the same slaves as in 12.10 (see the note there), but the text is not clear whether these are the same people called the attendants later in the verse. Most translations seem to at least allow for two different groups. But in 6.10 the slaves are specifically described by the same term used here for attendants: “the slaves, who waited on him in his tent.” Translators should be aware, however, that the approach taken here must not be at odds with the solution to the problem in 12.10, where “personal attendants” is the suggested solution. For his slaves quickly withdrew, Good News Translation has “the guests excused themselves.” This would be appropriate for guests at a banquet, but if only servants are in attendance, they are not going to excuse themselves. They will simply “withdraw” or “quietly leave.” Notice that they do this quickly. Good News Translation omits this. An alternative rendering for the first part of the verse is “When it had grown late, Holofernes’ servants quickly and quietly left.”
Bagoas closed the tent from outside: The verb chosen here must be appropriate to a tent, not a building; something like “drew the flap across the entrance to the tent” is possible. See below at 14.14, where this will be more of a problem.
Shut out the attendants from his master’s presence: “Prevented Holofernes’ servants from going in” (Good News Translation) suggests that these people wanted to go in. This is not a necessary conclusion from the Greek. It is based on Good News Translation‘s wrong supposition that two different groups of people are involved at 12.10 and 13.1. Contemporary English Version has a helpful model: “ordered the servants to stay out.”
They were all weary because the banquet had lasted long: Gonzáles and Alonso-Schöckel, New Jerusalem Bible, and Traduction œcuménique de la Bible interpret this to mean that they were tired out from having had too much to drink. The sentence can yield this meaning since the word translated banquet can mean a drinking party. But the word is used often in biblical Greek to refer to a special meal of some kind, with no particular emphasis on drinking. Nor in the Greek of this verse is any verb “drink” used. Revised Standard Version gives a good literal translation of the text; Good News Translation has “everyone was very tired because the banquet had lasted so long,” and Contemporary English Version has “The meal had lasted such a long time that all the servants were exhausted.”
An alternative translation model for this verse is:
• When it had grown late, Holofernes’ servants quickly and quietly left. Bagoas then closed the tent from the outside to keep them from going back in. Everyone was tired because the dinner had lasted so long, so they all went to bed.
Quoted with permission from Bullard, Roger A. and Hatton, Howard A. A Handbook on Judith. (UBS Helps for Translators). New York: UBS, 2001. For this and other handbooks for translators see here.